Welcome aboard. It's 2007 and we are more committed to your safety than ever. And that's why we'd like you to pay careful attention to this important safety information.
First, please make sure that your seat belt is securely fastened. Seat belts can be purchased for five dollars. To fasten, insert the metal fitting into the buckle and tighten the buckle by pulling the loose end away from you. To release, purchase a release flap for seven dollars. Now I know what you are thinking. "We've never paid for seat belts before!"
Once we've reached a cruising altitude, your flight attentant may or may not go down the isle with snacks. If she chooses to, each passenger will be given a single peanut. Lavatories are located at the front and the rear of the airport. Please take a moment to look at your safety pamphlet. The charge for looking at this pamphlet is three dollars. The charge for looking at this pamphlet and putting it back quickly is four dollars.
Should there be a rapid change in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will automatically drop from compartment above your seat, free of charge. Place the mask over your nose and mouth, and to start the flow of oxygen, pay a flight attendant 75 dollars and 63 cents. As always, exact change is appreciated.
Now I know that some of you are still concerned about getting there safely. Enjoy your flight.